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"I uh... I guess hello..."
I uh, I guess hello? I don’t know how this works, I'm not used to this, I don't actually think this is all that good, i feel pretty gay to be honest for making one of these, but my Psychologist recommended I keep.. occupied, and he asked if I could keep track of things, it would help my, ‘progress’ So i suggested a sort of journal.. and he said it was a great idea, to keep track of any ‘major’ sort of events, anything significant haha, he said to uhh ‘introduce yourself’ So i guess I'll start there My name is Lee, and i haven’t been diagnosed with it yet, but He and a few other doctors have basically said (and you know I'm not exactly stupid) I have depression and anxiety, I also hear shit, I cannot explain. I'm not gonna pin in on paranormal, because it's everywhere i go, and it sort of makes things worse.. I'm sort of tall, 5’11? maybe 6 foot? Not too sure, I have long black hair, and I'm 17. I like video games too, I'm sort of a shut in, i don't go out much anymore, so games make good fun for me, distracts me, it only prolongs issues though.. I've self harmed on a few different levels, but i won't go into detail.. So yeah, that's me in a nutshell, i guess I'll write future updates. 25/7/2015 I made that first page a few weeks back and figured i should update it at least weekly, so here I am again, nothing too spectacular has happened, the noises i hear have persisted, I cannot tell where they come from, ever, they are all different, I hear footsteps most of the time, and unexplained rustling, the most noticeable and creepiest, (I'm not lying either, it might sound far fetched, but it’s very true) i heard, a sort of, wailing, from a woman, it was pretty loud, i don’t exactly want to talk too much about it, I told Chris, my psychologist, He wants to keep an eye on it, and see how it goes, this was a few days ago, So that’s the only thing worthy of an update, i guess I’ll talk next week again. 3/8/2015 Hey again, I guess the depression gets the better of you sometimes, I sort of fucked up, and i hurt one of my friends. I’m so stupid I feel so stupid, why would i do that? I think i’m just gonna stop talking to people about my problems so much haha.. i don’t like hurting people, Fuck i feel so bad.. 11/8/2015 Whats wrong with me? I’m still hating on myself, I talked to her, and apologized enough times Germany would be surprised.. She was so kind, and nice as she always is, forgiving and loving, so kind.. I didn’t do anything, like sexual or anything, i just, cut myself up pretty bad, and thought in my asinine stupor and delusional depressive state it would be a mad idea to send her a fucking photo of it, and doing so sent her into a panic attack.. 18/8/2015 Nothing to exciting, i found a new band, named Mechina, they are pretty awesome, and good to just sit back and chill to, if i had a 8 string guitar, id learn their songs, but that isn’t happening aha.. 20/8/2015 So Chris made an appointment with a psychiatrist, saying he can help with anything Chris couldn’t answer, and just be good to see, he said that will be on the 1st of the 9th, so 2 weeks? I don’t know, i think so, 25/8/2015 I told a teacher to ‘Shove the exercise up her ass’ today. She wasn’t happy with me at all and sent me to the deputy's office, but i don’t care, i was in a foul mood today and the deputy principal understood, after i explained to him, but he had to tell my dad, but he laughed it off, after i explained how redundant and stupid this exercise was, he laughed it off, no punishment, and he too understood 29/8/2015 I don't like most people at my school, my friends are exceptions. I don’t mean to be so bitter, but people, are so stupid, so arrogant, so asinine. Actual, factual dumb-asses, people disgust me. not everyone, I'm sure there are saint worthy people in my school, but the, other guys in my year, are just so disgusting. Bigots and assholes, perverts and bullies. but i guess you get that in life.. 2/8/2015 I saw ‘Dr. Ricks’ hes the psychiatrist i wrote about earlier today, the man was older, id say, about 60? he was full of life though, he was one of the nicest people, gives me a little faith in humanity, a far cry from the people referred to in my previous entry.. Me and Chris explained the situation, mostly Chris, i’m way too awkward and.. weird to say much to people, But after a while we got through it, we mostly focused on the depression and stuff, He was understanding, and i guess talking to someone like it, was a sort of good change. He said he will discuss it with Chris as to what to do, and what actions to make. 10/9/2015 Ive never really had many dreams, but recently, ive been having more nightmares than anything else, nothing too recurring, and I don’t dread sleeping because of it, I wish id actually get to sleep easier, these noises i hear, are driving me to insomnia, Its harder to sleep, all the time, I hear knocking and stuff, but its not the worst, its just, sort of tormenting haha.. s’pose i deserve it, 15/9/2015 I think im getting too paranoid, im seeing shit in the corner of my eyes, and i dread looking out the window at night, im not fearing anything in particular, i guess not knowing what is there, is worse than knowing.. it makes me feel pathetic if anything, im not weak, so why is this tormenting me so much? It drives me crazy.. On top of everything else, I guess it makes me want to end it all the more.. 20/9/2015 Chris recommended i get a prescription today, he wrote out a form i should hand to the local doctor to make it easier, and the doctor gave me a quick evaluation, and printed out the script, this makes me feel a bit better, knowing there's an option now.. said hes out of money atm, so i might have to wait a bit, but thats okay, im patient enough 25/9/2015 So Dad called me a drug addict today, that’s great to hear from your father, makes me feel all the more pathetic haha.. 30/9/2015 So my guitar got stolen This month is great aint it? Fucking spectacular 10/10/2015 So my dad denied me the antidepressants, because “I don't want you to think drugs are the answer to everything” 21/10/2015 So against my Father, i bought the medication anyway, Doctor said we wouldn't notice anything for a few weeks, i guess unless anything else happens, ill update you if they work or not 1/11/2015 I don't know if they are working or not, I feel so hollow all the time, but i'm not having nightmares anymore.. I haven't dreamed in a week, but last night i had a dream and it was, strange to say the least, there was this man, wherever i went, he'd be there. He didn't seem intimidating, just there.. 3/11/2015 He was there again, just there, blending in with crowds, I dont know how to feel, im not scared by him though, i cant remember what he looks like though, hes always too far, or covered by other objects or people.. 7/11/2015 Still fucking pissed about my guitar.. I loved that thing, and it just gets, taken away from me.. If everything wasn't enough, that just did it. 10/11/2015 I had a few more dreams with the ‘Guy’ In it, but nothing like last nights, I can remember this time, i couldn't see his face but I can at least describe him now. We where walking together in a forest or park, there was trees around, it was quite tranquil actually, He was just a few inches taller than me, id say 6’5, he had a old school, noir style grey trench coat on, With a wide brim hat one that almost resembled a captains hat but more plain, it was brown, and the collar was puked up enough to hide his face, i could only see a few strands of hair, long and black, flowing in the wind, we didn't talk, We only walked in silence, He seemed friendly, although not a word was spoken, the was no, malicious intent, i could feel it, The dream ended as we reached the end of the path we were walking on, I stood there, and he turned to me, tipped the brim of his hat and walked back the path, as if he was showing me the way to a place, and bid me farewell, 12/11/2015 He came again last night Im starting to anticipate his presence in my dreams, He makes it easier to get to sleep, it helps take away the noises, I still hear them, but im not as scared anymore, its good, Id say these pills are really helping, things are almost looking good.. 17/11/2015 I know this is becoming more of a dream journal, but, its significant, I haven't cut in quite a while, but i still havent told dad about me taking the pills.. But last nights dream was quite significant, He was there again, I still didnt see his face, im pretty certain I wont, but thats okay, Hes my friend, Hes helping me more than anything, All my friends dont talk to me anymore, sure it hurts, but, he makes it just that little more bearable, he is one of the few friends i have left.. But last nights dream was probably the most outstanding, We were atop a hill, and he had a hardcase next to him for an acoustic guitar, We where looking out to a small village in a valley, We were in a pretty arid area, im guessing mexico, by the design of the village, and the buildings, seemed, mexican, (hope that doesnt come off as racist) and i asked him if he played the guitar, he turned to me, and nodded slowly, still not revealing his face. He pulled the guitar out of his case, and he pulled out a thumb pick, and he started playing a song. he played it flawlessly I recognised the song as “The Song of the Golden Dragon” but he played it so well, better than even Estas himself.. I was blown away, i started crying, in joy, ive not felt this way for a very long time. And when he finished he packed his guitar up, got up, and gave me the same nod as before, as though he had just helped me and off he went, And he did help me, I was petty happy during today, actually got to school on time haha.. 21/11/2015 So my friend showed up again last night, He spoke this time, not a lot, but it was reassuring. We were on a bench, watching dogs at a park, and he was feeding some birds. it went like this “So, where are we?” “Well, depends, we could be anywhere, but specifically your head” “Why are you here?” “Im here for you” “Who are you?” We turned to each other, this time I saw a smile, most of his face hidden by the midday sun, but i saw a smile, not toothy, but it was there. He said nothing else finished off the bag of bird feed he had, and tipped his hat once again, and left without a word. The only way I can describe his voice, is, Have you Seen Donnie Darko? When Frank talks in his visions, it sounded similar to that. 30/10/2015 Ive never felt more solace, more happiness than that ive felt for the past few weeks The noises have stopped, My friend doesnt appear every night, only when i need him and i got some repeats for the antidepressants 15/12/2015 So my Psychologist, feels i dont need the pills anymore, and less frequent check ups on me, I havent cut for a long time and im starting to talk to my friends more. My friend is too thank for this, without him, i dont think id be this okay Im just worried, that I wont be able to see him anymore.. 30/12/2015 I think im going insane, the noises are back, and they are worse than ever, dad was so angry with me after not listening to him, and he smashed my computer due to it, I havent told the psychologist about any of it, I dont want dad to get angrier with me.. And I havent seen my friends since i stopped taking the meds, I cant stop thinking about him, If my only friend is gone, my one friend I relied on is not here, I dont know what I will do.. 12/1/2016 I havent seen Him in over a month, I cant cope, He was the one thing, doing it for me. My dad is working away at the moment, so im home alone for 2 weeks, and the house is basically alive with noises, I cant handle this, I need to sleep. 15/1/2016 The less I sleep, the more I hear the noises and the more I hear the noises the less I sleep The less I sleep, the more I hear the noises and the more I hear the noises the less I sleep The less I sleep, the more I hear the noises and the more I hear the noises the less I sleep The less I sleep, the more I hear the noises and the more I hear the noises the less I sleep 20/1/2016 Dad is still gone, I dont know what day he gets back, I threw my phone out, kept making noises.. I need to sleep, the more I sleep the more chance i have of seeing my friend again, 21/1/2016 I need to sleep again, i havent slept for 3 days, I went to the doctors again, and bought some sleeping pills, I hope these work the noises, are just constant i can always hear the crying, oh god, the crying. 22/16/2016 Tonight I sleep, infront of me, i have 2 bottles of sleeping pills, I will take them all, If i can sleep forever, I can see My Friend forever, right? Right? Category:Journal Category:Dream Journal